Love

Is the most conflicting emotion on earth, it causes want and pain, joy and anger. I love my family so much, but I am the youngest child and often I do feel unimportant and irrelevant even ignored. I honestly know that they love me and that this is not their intention and when I complain they apologize.
This only makes me feel worse.
1. Because I really didn't want to hurt them or make them feel like I don't know and feel their love, which makes me feel really guilty. Especially my Mom work has been particularly stressful on her lately and my Father is a jerk and hurt really bad, so when I act up I make her feel bad but its really not her fault if she knew she was going it she would stop. I feel so cruel when I put my own wants if front and add another stress to her plate.
2. Which us brings us to my second point and the one that makes me react so strongly, they don't do it on purpose. It sounds backwards but I would feel so much better if they all did it on purpose, because then it would mean it was a conscious thought that "me" was an active part of. But when they don't realize it I know that it means that I just am not important in that way in their minds. And it kills me to see that the love the hold for me doesn't mean anything when I am still considered the whining baby, only to be paid attention to when it cries. I see smiles when I force my opinion, but it was never asked for and if their is another opinion voiced by someone older than it will be taken over mine without the owner even realizing it. In short I am like the wallpaper, pretty and an important part of the room always there, but never really noticed unless soiled.
Enough complaining stop worrying about me and get on with your lives, which I could totally say if anyone at all read this blog or in fact cared.

Pressure

I know that everyday we all deal with varying degrees of stress and pressure from tasks set before us and the people in our lives, but if I don't let mine out someway then I know I'll never get over it. On today's menu I have to get all my final projects in for school, I have family trouble, I'm not getting enough sleep, I really need to get a job, and to top it all off emotional chaos. My wish is that these next two weeks will be over with as soon as possible, the only problem with a wish like this is that life never stops. Tomorrow will always bring another trial and choice. Sometimes their will be joy and happiness and the day after it will wash you with grief. At the beginning of this year Friday the 7th I think it was I had one of the best days with my friends we goofed off and watched a movie and played keep away with one another. The next morning everything was just the opposite, I can honestly say it was the worst day of my life so far. That pain hasn't gone anywhere and I doubt it will, but I feel if that if I can talk openly about it then I am healing. Thank you that's all for today.

Day 1

Its almost the end of school and I really should be doing my homework right now. but I really don't want to. Finals are going on, late work is unacceptable. So here I am making a blog that I intend to use as my vent to the earth, I don't like to open up to anybody. And I really don't expect anyone to find or comment on this blog, though you are welcome to, just don't take anything I say personally.